everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I would fuck him just for his dog
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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