textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
