I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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