he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
