Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
