Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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