After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
