3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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