My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
