If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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