My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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