I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
