I accidentally had phone sex last night
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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