Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
