I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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