I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
