don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
