So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
