I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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