can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
