I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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