We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
