im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
