i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
All I want is dick and wine.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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