Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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