Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
