something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
two words: eviction party
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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