I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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