My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
