my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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