and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
