He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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