Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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