I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Randomize
