Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
