The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
