My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
