did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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