he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
