i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
