I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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