I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
