final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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