Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
