i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
