Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
