Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
