I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
