I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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