So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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